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prethodne zime…..one su lepe,svaka ima svoju pesmu,tu je opet I neki praznik da nas podseti zasto je vredno ziveti..obicno sednemo I zajedno se secamo prosloost I nagadjamo buducnost..smesno je svakako..mi mali ljudi nicim izazvani drznemo se da se vinemo I pomislimo da cemo ziveti I sutra I prekosutra I jos mnogo godina..a ko zna sta se kome sprema…imam prijatelja,on smatra da sudbina ne postoji..mozda,ali svakkako ne odlucuje on o to me sts ce mu se desiti,njemu ili nekom drugom sutra…smesno je zar ne..covek mali,hoda na dve noge,ima jednu glavu I misli da kontrolise tako vrednu stvar..a sutra moze I da ne svane..ili das vane bez njega,nas ,bez onog drveta ispred zgrade..starog…ono je tu dugo citav vek…I jednog dana,opet covek,drzne se da mu krila posece,da mu noge izlomi…da mu zile rasturi…isti taj covek…a ni on sam ne zna..da ce I njemu neko krila saseci zar ne?mozda ne bog,mozda ne sudbina,mozda I on sam..a I I to nije bitno svi ce zaboraviti I na njega I na to sta je on ili bilo ko rekao ili mislio..al ja cu se secati drveta..dokle god sam ziva..grane su mu bile nezne,savitljive,mlade a sto je bilo blize zemlji biloje tvrdje I starije…moralo je tako..ne bih da uporedjujem zivot tog drveta sa ljudskim zivotom..on je manji,mizerniji..ljudski zivot sam sebe unistava..mislima I delima..a drvo ne misli..drvo ne cini..ono je tu da odcuti I sakrije sve sto se ispod njega servira..prosto se ne moze porediti ..ne moze drvo ..da odluci da one da se preseli..ono ne moze naruciti litar vina da bi sve zaboravilo..ali moze..ono moze da trpi mnogo stosta..da pokriva,da cuje,da lista ono moze da zivi I pampti a da ne kaze…a to covek ne moze..jer je ..recimo,covek..gresnik..sve mu se prasta jer ima slabosti..svako zeli da bude sahranjen ispod drveta I u drvetu..da ga pokriva I cuva…I svi mi na kraju zavrsimo u drvetu…ironija zar ne?pa I nije..nije ni smesno ni strasno..jer,Boze moj,to je u neku ruku zivot..pa I to malo posle zivota je ono sto smo ostavili za sobom,neretko nista…tolike dane,vikende,nedelje,mesece potrosimo nesto malo zaboravimo,neceg se secamo ,nesto opet dozivimo manje vise ..svejedno.svi zivoti su slicni…svi su ljudski ..odakle krenes tu se I vratis..nema razloga biti tuzan zbog toga..nije ni srce vecno…ali je toplo..i stalno radi a dok radi dobro je..nije uvek sjajno al svake nove godine,bozica zime zahvalim bogu sto I dalje radi..sto mi pruza priliku da vidim jos jednom trg ,crkvu prekrivene snegom…belina,prostranstvo,ne vidi se gde se nebo I zemlja odovajaju…ili spajaju..tada nemam razlog da tugujem sto cu umreti vec se radujem sto cu jos neko vreme ziveti..ne zato sto sam dobar covek vec zato sto cu mozda imati priliku da vidim jos neku zimu…nedavno,u autobusu iako se trudim da vecinu stvari ne cujem…ovu sam cula..invalid,rom..lep covek,srecan …vecina bi na njegovom mestu pokllekla..a on je rekao sledece…ne mogu da citiram jer nemam taj sjaj u ocima I taj osmeh na usnama . reko je da ima ritual da svake zime..kada padne prvi sneg,da se probudi rano,dok jos nije svanulo da pogleda belinu I da se umije njime…na sta mu je jedan student rekao kroz smeh da ne pamti kada je primetio sneg,kada je izasao da se grudiva ili uopste uziva bar I u pogledu…ne,ne zelim da docaram kako nesrecni ljudi cene male stvari to nije cilj ni poenta..zelim da kazem da se ne radjamo svi sa istim mogucnostima I potencijalima kao ni dusom..nekog raduje ovo nekog ono..ali samo retki umeju da uzivaju u onome sto ih raduje….samo oni koji znaju d ace to proci..a to znaju samo oni koji su bili na ivici da izgube zivot,da pokleknu I posustanu…vecina uspesnih ljudi misli da upravlja svojim zivotom I cesto nemaju razumevanja za druge..misle da su oni sami ugorzili svoj zivot..naprotiv,nije se svima dalo da rade,da ostvare svoje snove I planove..mozda je bas neko ko je invalid zeleo da postane biciklista,atleta,pilot ..ali jednostavno..nije se dalo..to izuzetnoi upsesni ljudi ne shavataju nit ice moci da razumeju dokle god misled a drze sve pod kontrolom…nisu nesrecni tu da nas podsete da mi treba da budemo srecni sto nas nije zadesila nesreca kao njih…oni su tu kao I mi,da zive da uzivaju ako mogu I umeju …njima je prilika takodje pruzena,ne kao drugima al kakva takva,ko ume iskoristice ko kako ume I ko kako zna…ne vredi analizirati mnoge stvari…ne zelim da namecem svoja misljenja I bilo bi suludo,ali pisem jer zelim da razumem,zelim da sama sei objasnim…mnogo misli u toku dana prodje kroz glavu al retko kad to mogu da srocim,da napisem..cesto ono sto osecam ne mogu da napisem..ponestane mi reci ..pa se trudim da kad mogu sto vise toga pribelezim..jer sam covek,zaboravim..pa mogu sedeti do sutra I ne setiti se..ovako bar ja,neko vreme ne moram o tome da brinem…nije ni bitno ali eto..dok pisem pokusavam da shvatim nesto..ne nista vezano za politiku za religiju nista bitno za studije ili zivot …ali neke stvari koje shvatm smire me…nisam naucila nista novo,jer sam te stvari duboko u sebi drzala I znala al sada sam ih srocila..i sada su tu ispred mene moja dela..sazrela su I mogu sei napisati I zabeleziti..moje misli proizvod mojih oopazaja,zivljena …neki mi kazu da mi se dive neki me pitaju kako izdrzavam neki smatraju da nisam ni vredna pomena..neki smatraju da zivim po inerciji da ja ne marim ni za sta..da ne osecam da ne mislim…mozda tako deluje dok praznog pogleda zurim po prostorijama..a u tim trenucima iako ne deluje tako ..upravo tad…razmisljam pokusavam da se setim…da povezem…nekad I pogresim pa mi zamere…a ja im obicno bas tad ne kazem das am covek da smem gresiti..tada ne pokazem da ne marim das am pogresila tada kazem nece se ponoviti…ne da bih se pokorila nekom nego da bih naterala sebe da sto manje budem covek koji gresi.
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